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Today, I'm feeling...

The current mood of yonkbonkers at www.imood.com

May 15, 2023 | Feeling: Defiant

It's been hard truth be told lately, it's been really fucking hard. Going from one place to another to another ad nauseum and managing my chronic pain; I've been busying myself with a lot of things to keep myself afloat: I worked on commissions, I completed a visual novel for a cozy game jam, and been chipping away at another for the upcoming (at the time of writing this) VN Cup. But along with this, I've been taking things day to day and been giving myself as much time as I can to stay alive and happy, big thank you to my partners for keeping me from isolating and holing up inside. Sure, I'm stressed, but in spite of it I am fighting to live a prosperous and happy life.

March 18, 2023 | Feeling: Aloof

Things have been too nice lately, and it's making me worry. I've been spending a couple weeks at a partner's place, and the longer I spend with him; away from my parents, I feel more and more anxious. He takes care of me. He tends to me when my chronic pain flairs up, helped me when I discovered more about myself (turns out me tensing up and having fluttering eyelids when I come across a rapidly flashing video isn't a normal thing, and I might have photosensitive epilepsy and have seizures... I fucking love that for myself /s) knows of my trauma - what I deal with on a regular basis (which I will not bring up here) and has seen me breakdown over the thought of coming home, and because of him, because I finally understand what it means to feel safe, cared for; loved, I fully intend on packing up all my shit and leaving ASAP. But the thought of change is scary. Terrifying even... It makes me want to run back to the familiarity, or straight up disappear.
We have a plan on how I can get away, but I won't say what the plan is. It's been too good to be true, and I'm scared that the universe is going to rip it away from me at any second especially if I share it with the world, call me a superstitious coward all you want.
I'm trying not to be distant, but it's hard not to want to recede into my own little bubble and disappear for a little while.

On a different note, I got back into SPLATTERHOUSE, which was something I was super into back in 2021. I'm not as invested in the 2010 remake of the game for the Playstation 3 / Xbox 360 as I am the original arcade cabinet, its ports to the Turbografx 16 and the Sega Genesis, and the sequels, but I fucking adore the franchise as a whole. Sucks that we'll never get a sequel to SPLATTERHOUSE 2010, though. It ended on a cliffhanger, and I wanted to see the modern take on the story in full.

March 10, 2023 | Feeling: Adored

Hello everyone (and a warm welcome to my new neo-neighbors from Tiktok), and welcome back to another addition to my personal blog / internet diary! Life's been pretty hectic for me lately - though to be fair, I only seem to update this when something happens. I've been doing a lot of work as of late; I can officially consider myself relatively "successful!" Along with being a freelance artist, a streamer, and a game dev, I now design merchendise and manage merch sites for three people and one of those people being myself! Yes, I have merch and an actual, proper merch site now, complete with a fancy, custom URL, which is fucking crazy! And sure, I am not earning anything substantial, and sure, I'm not "big enough" to have merch, but I always wanted to make things - I'm a chronic maker of miscellaneous shit, and the idea of having my own art and my own unique designs on shirts and the fact that I could (and do) have such things be tangible is worth it!

Aaah! Look at how fucking cool that is!
(Also, thank you to Ellie for being the first ever person to buy something from my merch site <3)

January 18, 2023 | Feeling: Social

A well overdue hello to you all in 2023! Sorry I've been gone for so long; truth be told, writing in this blog regularly is pretty intimidating. But now, methinks now is as good a time to update you all on what has happened to me in the last month! First and foremost: I updated the demo to Bat and Bear: College Days! It feels a lot more accurate as to what I feel it should be, has better writing, and feels more cohesive; an acquaintance of mine reached out to me in regards to Bat and Bear and BB:CD too, they told me how the game impacted them and how much it inspires them, which was, frankly, super sweet! I honestly wasn't expecting something like that, but it's a big motivator knowing that something I made with the intent of bringing about some change has done something positive and is something that someone enjoyed and is recommending to people. Working on BB:CD on my own is pretty tough, but I'll keep going!

December 12, 2022 | Feeling: Bittersweet

Another pain day, again. A little nauseous too because of it. But that's not gonna stop me from doing stuff.
I did a little more writing and editing on Bat and Bear: College Days and I am pretty pleased with myself. Lately, I've been struggling to get back into working on my visual novels again, inspiration and motivation's been rather slim. But I've making small additions here and there rather than actually sitting down and writing big chunks at a time, and progress is progress! I am happy with my writing so far!
I did a pretty big collab with some other streamers yesterday! We all did something for the VtuberFusion trend; everything was drawn in Gartic Phone. My stream was pretty scuffed - actually all of our streams (well, for the ones who were streaming that day) were pretty scuffed. I spent a good while setting up T.I.T.S live and half of my frames were stuttering because of it hogging all of my CPU, the layout of all the Discord Reactives were all fucked up - I didn't even have everyone's reactives because I like having them all placed in a unique spot. In hindsight, it probably would be better to have it as a group to save on browser sources, would've saved me the brain power and all that garbage. Bleh. Whatever, hindsight is always 20/20, and I got astigmatism. The scuff makes streams fun!
I put in a lot of effort in most of the fusions I did, save for Elback's which I made extra tiny and skrungly. Everyone also put in a lot of effort too! And by the end of it, all of our art sort of devolved, losing the quality we put in the first few we did as we lost energy, but, all in all, we all had fun and that's what mattered!

Here's an example of one I did of my buddy Term's axolotl, and my fursona (who happens to be my VTubing model)

November 30, 2022 | Feeling: In Pain

Existence is fucking miserable at the moment.
I mean, complaining about it - it's cathartic in a way. People know how much my joints, muscles, nerves - everything hurts; people understand why I haven't been able to keep up with commissions. But I doubt people are on here to read the pathetic drivel that my aching fingers type up on here while in pain. I got most of the complaining out, I think, been regurgitating how it feels into vent chats and the DMs of people who gave me explicit confirmation that they are okay with me venting, explaining that it's one of the reasons why I can't keep up with commissions on Twitter (eugh) and on my Ko-Fi. So I should be fine enought to spare my blog the oh, so terrible details of my pain. I don't have the patience with myself to continue to complain.

On a different note, I've been doing a bit creative work to try and get back into the swing of being a professional creative. Did a creative stream yesterday, designed some merch for my own merch shop and rigged a Live2D model in less than 4 hours - which was significantly better than the 15 days my first ever model took. The initial learning curve threw me for a loop, but ater a couple pointers from other beginner riggers and some much needed tutorials, I managed to learn the ropes. I hear rigging goes for a pretty penny, so they'll be something I'll be doing in the future.
I've also recently gotten into Tom Scott's videos - in particular the stuff on his "Tom Scott Plus" channel on Youtube. I found him through Tom "TomSka" Ridgewell, they collaborated and had a little competition to see who was the better Tom (Ridgewell was the victor - yay TomSka!). I liked the chemistry of the two, both of them had their own unique introvertedness to them, and were sort of bumbling about trying to win the best of 9 board games; Ridgewell had a more - explosively and playfully personality? I'm not sure if that would be the right term for it, but that's how I'll describe it; and Scott was a bit more subdued, much shyer presence. After that video I was curious about Tom Scott and sure enough I fell into a shallow sort of "rabbit hole." Hardly would call it that actually, just watched a couple of his videos, the most recent being one of him making Hyperpop with Beardyman, who, despite what the name implies, doesn't have a beard.

November 28, 2022 | Feeling: Creative

Lately, I've been thinking of making a proper game. I've already made visual novels, 2 to be exact, bobie time; my shitpost vn, Bat and Bear; my queer love story on mental health and healing, and I am working on 2 more, but I still want to make a proper game.
I had this idea in my head for about a couple months; a sort of love letter to Postal 2 and Postal 1, in that it's a free roaming first person shooter that plays more into the darker themes of going postal.
You'd play as the sole positive voice in a troubled man's head, his childhood imaginary friend, as you try to save him and his inner child from succumbing to the trauma and stress that's about to make him snap.
I loved the explorative narrative in Postal 2, it wasn't linear - you had a choice on how to progress. I want to do something like that, but I want to make it more serious? I'm not sure how else to articulate what I want, but I guess the closest thing would be to take a page from something like Silent Hill 2 or OMORI, and take the imagery of liminal spaces and use it to pervert the imagery of childhood and taint nostalgia. Strike a balance of familiarity, trauma, and impending doom.
I'd love to make it someday. I tried to take up 3d modelling on Blender and tried (and failed) to learn something like Unreal.
Maybe one day I'll be able to do it. Or maybe I'll repurpose that idea into something else. I mean, I could always try to make an RPG. I got RPG Maker MV, I could always do that.

November 22, 2022 | Feeling: Happy + Achy

Today's my birthday, which is pretty exciting considering how I am now 20 - 2 whole decades!

I had a bit of a rough start thanks to my garbage human body, waking up nauseous, and a little stiff in the legs, and dealing with brain fog and mild migraines, but besides that, it's been pretty good! My parents were adamant on buying me Jollibee, a Filipino fast food chain specializing in fried chicken, for lunch and were tolerable to be around (something incredibly rare with them, especially my mother - whom I hate.) For the past little while (and while I write this), I've been spending some time with a good friend of mine, and in a few hours I'll be getting ready to do a birthday stream. A package from another good friend is said to arrive pretty soon too, either tonight or tomorrow - so that's something I'll also be looking forward to.

Here's to being 20, and to being still alive inspite of my body being actual ass!